Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
