Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
