There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize