What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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