I heard we made out
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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