i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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