In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
