I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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