Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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