I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
