I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
