well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
