I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
