I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
