Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he thought i was a dude.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
