once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
