do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
