Kiss
Puke
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
