you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
