oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
