At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
