The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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