Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
