Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
