My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
