i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
two words...techno handjob
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
