whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
