Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
