If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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