I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
