I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize