As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It was confusing and full of hummus
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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