a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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