im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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