I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
