I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
