the condom got lost in my hair
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
