she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
