; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
