i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
they're like a gay fantastic four
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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