"it" just moved
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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