Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
