My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
