i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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