While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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