ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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