Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
