have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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