My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
