why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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