hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just gift wrapped bread.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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