you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
