Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
