I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
