she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
