I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
