Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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