Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
