Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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