Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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