I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
