And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
