I molested 6 butterflies tonight
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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